My letter to the NON BPD's!

Dear NON BPD's,

I'm sorry you see all of my behaviors as something that interfears with the daily running of your life, i'm sorry that the nasty little things you do, the "open your mouth before thinking" comments you say every day, the names you call me, the innuendo's about just how "UNWELL" you think I am feeling today, and the jealousy you have towards me for being SO brilliant, is simply something you believe I should just "Get over"...

I apologise to you for being SO creative that you must find flaws in all that I am and all that I do!... I'm sorry you're all such cold hearted, tactless, shallow pricks who fail to see the true beauty of your lives, your relationships, and everything you hold dear... I'm sorry you take your life and loved ones for granted, step on peoples toes, hold grudges, intentionally cause stress, trouble, emotional harm, tourment, and in doing this, still somehow manage to have a good nights sleep!

I am sorry I am SO sensative, and i'm sorry that you're NOT! I'm sorry I feel SO MUCH LOVE, that you believe i love you too much! I'm sorry i'm confused about my feelings, my life and my emotions, because I LOVE EVERYONE, and you only want me to love YOU! I'm sorry you're SO insecure in yourself that you have to make everything out to be MY fault, i'm sorry you just can't understand your own depth and that you think mine is too much to handle! I'm sorry I hurt myself instead of hurting you, i'm sorry I lash out sometimes in anger because I feel so missunderstood! I'm sorry you don't understand me, I'm sorry I overwealm you for I overwealm myself with all the intelligence I see in myself which you don't seem to share!

I'm sorry I am broken, i'm sorry you feel I NEED you to pick me up, every day from the depths of the crevass your inhumaneness throws me into. I'm sorry I feel I have to care for you more because you don't seem to care enough for anyone! I'm sorry I can't talk to you for fear that the truth behind what makes me this way will harm you as much as it's harmed me! I'm sorry I push you away because i'm so scared you'll cease to understand your own possibilities, i'll be forced to show you mine!

I'm sorry I know the truth, but mostly, i'm sorry I see yours! I'm sorry that you people, you non BPD's feel that sufferers of the dissorder are so much more creative, intelligent, and switched on than anyone could ever truly admit, that I feel I have to hide away from my own light, my own world sometimes, because it matters to me that you could feel so dumb, so belittled by my knowledge which enables me to SEE all that you are, and how little you know of yourself!

Until one day, you can see that you need me so much more than I need you, until you can see and LOVE me for my gifts, my talents, and my eye for detail in everything I do, the value I put to the relationships with everyone in my life, no matter how significant, my inner beauty, my strengths, and my resilliance, I will remain only part of who i could be, for my light could shine so much brighter than yours even when it's dimmed out by you and all you do to trigger me into thinking and feeling that every possible problem that exists in my world is all because i'm in it!

Everything I do, and every reason why I do it, is because I love you, ALL of you... what hurts is that I could tell you every reason why, and I know you couldn't even begin ...

I wish you could see my illness as a gift, a light to show you and everyone the person I see you could be if you allowed yourself... Until then, I remain needy, attention seeking, manipulative, untrustworthy, and unpredictable to you... and everyone around you! I'm sorry you're SO insecure with all that I am, and i'm sorry that i care SO MUCH that for your sake, i'll back off, i'll back down, just to please you...and make YOUR life easier to live.

Forgive me for seeing that you are throwing away so many important relationships, like they're yesterdays trash, taking loved ones and life for granted, hating and hurting those people in your life who don't suit the mood you "CHOOSE" to be in, for seeing the person you are today and the person you'll be tomorrow, if I don't make you see what you're so blatently wrecking!

Forgive me for trying to show you a depth that'll open your eyes to true love, for trying to get you to see that everyone is worth extending your hand and your heart too, for how i've sat back, listened and watched as you destroy yourself, your life and everyone in it, and believing I need to react in such a way that'll undoubtedly get your attention even if it's meant I put myself at risk... for the small chance that you might stand up and hear me out! ...

I apologise for making you think I need you to be a different person than the one you show the world, and me, and I'm sorry you don't understand that I see through you... I see the REAL you... and that I believe I react accordingly...

You are right to stay so closed, so scared, and so mean, for that's all you can accept of yourself and others. I see you are comfortable in your box, never realizing your worth and mine...

I forgive you... can you?

SUE