What is it that makes me beautiful?

All that I am is everything I show to you... my hurt, my pain, my anger, my laughter, the way I grit my teeth together whenever I feel weak, the way I put my hair up and down cause I can't decide who I wanna be today... the way I stop to think before reacting against the hasty words that flow tactlessly from your mouth from time to time in a not so directing accusation I already hold of myself of just how faltered I really am, how fat, how ugly, disturbed, troubled, needy and scarred, unworthy never good enough, not as good as her, not as good as you, the truth which the world's had in store for me waiting for a moment to strike me down just to ensure that I still hold my own biggest record for personal degredation towards myself that I don't need you to challenge it!

Does the way I over protect my children, or how I devalue myself so you never get a chance too, how I reject myself before you beat me too it make me beautiful to you?  Does how I push you away with the knowledge that you're just not strong enough to ever endure the remnants of the person my life's experience has turned me into, make you love me even more? Or how about the person I can be make you feel about me, so nasty callous and cold, all because i'm hurting SO bad today it's as if my world fell apart on me just moments ago!... do these reasons make you love me? do these reasons make you want to commit to me? make love to me? or spend another second within my company?

You tell me I am beautiful, you tell me that you love me, minute after minute, every time you touch me, every time you walk by me, every time you see me, text me, and make love to me, yet the true meaning of your words are yet to be found in your heart, and spoken from your lips... any reasoning for speaking these deep and meaningful words is yet to be discovered, and you wonder why I don't believe you? You wonder why I stay so guarded? You wonder why i'm insecure? You wonder why I cease to trust?

From where I stand, so many people are fake, I feel that to be accepted that I need to be fake too! I put on a fake dress, and apply my fake face, I put on my fake shoes and walk out a fake home, I get into a fake car to drive to a fake location, put on my fake smile to meet a fake person to put on a fake laugh and have a faked good time, then go back to his fake house and drink copius amounts of alcohol so I can feel better about being FAKE, then he fakes me a kiss to make me feel like his fake princess all in aid of making some fake love, having a fake orgasm, and driving back home the next morning to the reality of my fake home so I can sit back and dream about the fake man I met the night before, and wondering why he doesn't call me back!

SO many people tell me just how beautiful I am, OH how i'd LOVE to teach them a thing or two about beauty! ... Over and over and over in my head I hear the words "You're SOOOO pretty" "You're SOOO stunning" "You're amazing" "You're personality is contageous"!!! ... MY GOD!!!! and I'M the one being fake?

How real is real? how much of ME can you REALLY stand to see, to hear, to listen too, and to be around every single day?... how much of me will you let me be before you deem me far too much? How much of me do you really love and do you know the reason? Can you tell me?

I keep you further away from my heart than I care to admit, because i'm afraid that I might NEED you if I let you any closer. I shut you out whenever you're gone cause the moment you walk out of my door, it feels like you're gone forever. I can't afford another fall, I can't keep picking myself up from the sheer death drop of abandonment i've spent my life trying to crawl out of, and I can't chance the possibility that a fall from you won't kill me.

UNDERSTAND that all that I do, the very love I push away, the nastiness I show you, the emptiness you see in my face and in my words is all a warm blanket I care enough to wrap you up in is my way of saying I love you, but you deserve protection from all I know I can become whenever your love scrapes the surface of my heart and you get through to me.

I fight for life tooth and nail, in need of love and attention i'm too rejected to accept that I deserve. EVERYONE has hated me, EVERYONE has hurt me, EVERYONE is mean to me and i'll never admit to you that I know none of that is true.
Deep down I KNOW I am worthy, of so much more than most are capable of giving, I know I am beautiful and I know I don't need you to tell me. But what I wait for is for you to see me for who I know I am... not the faked out, dolled up princess i've created, but the person inside the skin, inside the pain, the denegration, the self mutilation, the abuse, the flashbacks, the tourment I put myself through just to look more acceptable to you in a world that's created a false sence of security for everyone else but me...

Why do I have to pretend in your world, but more importantly why do you? Is your love for real? is your love because of the person I am I know I haven't shown you yet? See, I know that it's a lie! Sometimes I wonder who you're trying to convince???

But a plead with you, if you must stay, then STAY. Don't leave when things are too hard, when i'm too much, when i'm never enough, when I shut you out and shut you down, when I tare away at the walls of my own self destruction, or when I silently scream aloud all that I need you'll never hear. One day a voice will come out of the storm from that dark haze which was my harbour and you will have touched me in such a way that no other has been strong enough to withstand until now, and out of the darkness of all that fear, rejection, remorse and regret, you will see me, for I will shine so brightly you'll have to catch your breath!...

Hold on... stay with me, beside me, and love me for the hints of all I can be are revealed to you each time you choose to return to me. Each time that you really hear me, and every time you don't let me turn you away... Each time you pick me up even though I throw myself on the ground, the times you let me sleep only to wake me up, when you kiss me so tenderly that I can feel your pulse running through the creases of your lips, when I look at you and you lock eyes with me and the honesty behind all the reasons you ONLY want me... for all that I am, my demons, my unkept thoughts, my stresses, my carelesness and my selfless nature... and all else thats created the very person here before you...

Today I will fight you, tomorrow I will love you, and the next day you'll see all that I am, unguarded, unprotected, and unmasked...

Just STAY...

My letter to the NON BPD's!

Dear NON BPD's,

I'm sorry you see all of my behaviors as something that interfears with the daily running of your life, i'm sorry that the nasty little things you do, the "open your mouth before thinking" comments you say every day, the names you call me, the innuendo's about just how "UNWELL" you think I am feeling today, and the jealousy you have towards me for being SO brilliant, is simply something you believe I should just "Get over"...

I apologise to you for being SO creative that you must find flaws in all that I am and all that I do!... I'm sorry you're all such cold hearted, tactless, shallow pricks who fail to see the true beauty of your lives, your relationships, and everything you hold dear... I'm sorry you take your life and loved ones for granted, step on peoples toes, hold grudges, intentionally cause stress, trouble, emotional harm, tourment, and in doing this, still somehow manage to have a good nights sleep!

I am sorry I am SO sensative, and i'm sorry that you're NOT! I'm sorry I feel SO MUCH LOVE, that you believe i love you too much! I'm sorry i'm confused about my feelings, my life and my emotions, because I LOVE EVERYONE, and you only want me to love YOU! I'm sorry you're SO insecure in yourself that you have to make everything out to be MY fault, i'm sorry you just can't understand your own depth and that you think mine is too much to handle! I'm sorry I hurt myself instead of hurting you, i'm sorry I lash out sometimes in anger because I feel so missunderstood! I'm sorry you don't understand me, I'm sorry I overwealm you for I overwealm myself with all the intelligence I see in myself which you don't seem to share!

I'm sorry I am broken, i'm sorry you feel I NEED you to pick me up, every day from the depths of the crevass your inhumaneness throws me into. I'm sorry I feel I have to care for you more because you don't seem to care enough for anyone! I'm sorry I can't talk to you for fear that the truth behind what makes me this way will harm you as much as it's harmed me! I'm sorry I push you away because i'm so scared you'll cease to understand your own possibilities, i'll be forced to show you mine!

I'm sorry I know the truth, but mostly, i'm sorry I see yours! I'm sorry that you people, you non BPD's feel that sufferers of the dissorder are so much more creative, intelligent, and switched on than anyone could ever truly admit, that I feel I have to hide away from my own light, my own world sometimes, because it matters to me that you could feel so dumb, so belittled by my knowledge which enables me to SEE all that you are, and how little you know of yourself!

Until one day, you can see that you need me so much more than I need you, until you can see and LOVE me for my gifts, my talents, and my eye for detail in everything I do, the value I put to the relationships with everyone in my life, no matter how significant, my inner beauty, my strengths, and my resilliance, I will remain only part of who i could be, for my light could shine so much brighter than yours even when it's dimmed out by you and all you do to trigger me into thinking and feeling that every possible problem that exists in my world is all because i'm in it!

Everything I do, and every reason why I do it, is because I love you, ALL of you... what hurts is that I could tell you every reason why, and I know you couldn't even begin ...

I wish you could see my illness as a gift, a light to show you and everyone the person I see you could be if you allowed yourself... Until then, I remain needy, attention seeking, manipulative, untrustworthy, and unpredictable to you... and everyone around you! I'm sorry you're SO insecure with all that I am, and i'm sorry that i care SO MUCH that for your sake, i'll back off, i'll back down, just to please you...and make YOUR life easier to live.

Forgive me for seeing that you are throwing away so many important relationships, like they're yesterdays trash, taking loved ones and life for granted, hating and hurting those people in your life who don't suit the mood you "CHOOSE" to be in, for seeing the person you are today and the person you'll be tomorrow, if I don't make you see what you're so blatently wrecking!

Forgive me for trying to show you a depth that'll open your eyes to true love, for trying to get you to see that everyone is worth extending your hand and your heart too, for how i've sat back, listened and watched as you destroy yourself, your life and everyone in it, and believing I need to react in such a way that'll undoubtedly get your attention even if it's meant I put myself at risk... for the small chance that you might stand up and hear me out! ...

I apologise for making you think I need you to be a different person than the one you show the world, and me, and I'm sorry you don't understand that I see through you... I see the REAL you... and that I believe I react accordingly...

You are right to stay so closed, so scared, and so mean, for that's all you can accept of yourself and others. I see you are comfortable in your box, never realizing your worth and mine...

I forgive you... can you?

SUE